past file

2005-12-11T03:46:00.000+11:00

things have changed a lot since my last post.
as always, things change and fade away.

today was a day about people.
brendan, mark, cindy, katie, the dentist, and others.

brendan is homeless. that was quite a reality check.
i gave him my sock, some money for food, and a nang. i've introduced so many people to nangs. cindy had herpes in her eye. mark was basically a good guy, very blokey and drunk, but open-minded at the same time. katie had bad teeth. i shall check up on the dentist in a few years. the guy at the cue had good music taste, and i'm still lonely.

oh, they tried to set me up as well. she now has my number.

2005-11-30T00:35:00.000+11:00

i seek ease from my unease.

as usual i am the last one left on the street, my mind has already glazed over - how did i learn to do this? I've already forgotten everything, all of it gone, no matter how deeply the words struck or how much sadness they filled me with.

the darkness surrounds me and i fall into it, i find solace in true emptiness and stillness, not carrying on. i feel like i want to collapse, never has the feeling manifested itself so.

i was always too smart to take it that far, to abuse. but where has all my emotion gone?

what things do people see in me that i can't see in myself.

subconscious.

black everywhere, pale orange somewhere, nothing everywhere, and nowhere. eerie, still monsters loom above me, surreal.

yet again it all fades away.

i knew things were fucked up, i knew i wasn't wrong. illusion.

yet again it all fades away.

2005-11-04T03:42:00.000+11:00

I was fucking defending you honour up there you stupid CUNT (spits in her face)

how fucking dare you say that to me(shouting) don't you ever fucking say that again.

Do you have any fucking idea how much you hurt me up there. You did that on fucking purpose didn't you... You wanted to hurt me, didn't you.

(g/f) - muffled response.

i hear snippets of conversation, the guy is talking about himself being a horrible person, his whole life's fucked or something. The girl's not with it, she's talking like a machine.
----------------------------
a bit later....
(g/f) - are you off your face?
I had a 1/4, and you had fucking 3/4 so maybe you should be asking yourself that question.

(g/f) actually i am off my face.
---------------------
Yeah, shit, we've been drinking for about 12 hours straight now haven't we!?

other girl - yeah i'm so fucking wrecked.

the guys go psycho after that amount of time, i swear.

(meanwhile the guy who spat on his girlfriend's face's face is turning red, and the two guys start acting like some kind of monkeys, the other one avoiding eye contact completely and staying very, very still.)
----------------------

that casino is the most soulless place i have ever encountered. my fucking god. It's everything that's bad about a 'night on the town', not to mention people fucking up their lives through their gambling addiction. Consumerism is rife there. It's impossible to tell what time of day it is, at 2am i still felt perky, just sitting there watching the people. (about 3 hours after i got there). the lights completely fool any sense of the passing of time. you could stay there forever, and no-one would ever notice you. such alienation. Never before have i witnessed such superficial judgements of people. Just the way people were checking each other out. and the men treating the women like pieces of meat.

(softly 'between mates')
man, check it out, that's some fucking fine pussy over there.
"OI! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE."

"LOOK AT THAT, FUCKING FUCK OFF THEN, STUPID SLUTS!"
------------

Business suit
pinstripe
cocaine
big ego
big muscles
big cock
------------

this girl (late 20's) sort of stumbles past me and sits down on the chair, like a child. old people who take drugs seem childlike to me, anyway that's off the topic, she sits there staring into space the look on her face becoming more and more despondent, she looks empty. i could tell she didn't have a good night. some kind of desperation. she looks empty. it was very busy.

there's so many people eating, but they never finish their meals. there's always at least half left. they eat slowly too, and their hands shake almost imperceptibly, as if they have a mild case of parkinson's. diminished consciousness.

another thing i notice is that people go round in circles a lot. i saw so many of the same people again and again, with a lost look in their eyes. what are they looking for?

i would highly reccomend observing people. i think i learnt a lot. people boiled down to their needs, their desire for something more.

2005-10-07T00:53:00.000+10:00

all the lonely people. those lyrics are so much more relevant to me now than they were 6 months ago.

this unshakeable feeling that so many people aren't doing anything towards their ultimate happiness or aims in life. to grounded in everyday tasks. take a trip to your local supermarket and you'll perceive on the lowest level how easy it is for people to get absorbed with the mundanities and shallowness of our society. people arguing about what brand of spice they are going to buy (like it makes a fucking difference), reading horrible trashy women's magazines (written by men, perpetuating sexism).

too many people not taking things to their full extent. most importantly morals. if you're against eating things with parents, it's not hard to be a vegetarian but so many still do. If you're anti consumerism and pro environment there are so many steps that you can take towards these things. If you believe in accepting everybody and giving everybody a chance before judging them,
then do this. If you want to become self-sufficient then do so.

I can only imagine that the biggest failure in someone's life once they have come to terms with the futility of human life, is that of not having fulfilled their dreams. A lifetime is but a dot in an endless sea of black universe. No past, no future. Life should be lived in the present. Always. It's a horrible society in so many ways, but in others its perfect. Amazing communication, so much information everywhere, so much interaction (or potentially if everyone wasn't so emotionally closed of and untrusting). I dunno what i'm trying to say here, but it sort of makes sense. If it was just me... no technology, no economy, i would find it infinitely difficult to travel the world experiencing different cultures and meeting people and learning about human nature.

interesting talking to a girl i used to know (christian) about drugs and such and how down the line her views are. hard to know where those morals actually came from. I wish people would be more open-minded about that sort of stuff. more caring, less precautionary.

'quote from crybloxsome' hit me hard in the head.

Because there is no escape after all. Only challenges to the world that holds your heart a prisoner, and the punishments for setting it free.

sigh... valerian root tastes like shit but makes you sleepy. yum.

2005-09-29T04:52:00.000+10:00

i am truly hoping for a (can't talk it's 5am) resumal of my blog, but talking to an exact copy of yourself for 5:00 (someone who seems less real than anybody) can sort of distract you.

wow.

i've decided that if i want to love someone, then i first have to love myself. it could be a while.

wisdom is the essence of experience
night

2005-09-20T03:39:00.000+10:00

i cried last night...

ohhhh yes... i cried harder than i have since i was about 10.
it was the thoughts of loneliness, and sadness and inevitably heading towards death, and fuckedness of society. Anyway, that doesn't sum it up. but i cried. 5 movies in like 2 days; nathalie', bondi tsunami, fight club (wow, again), 24 hour party people, and harvie krumpet (the one which made me cry). more accurately it was a combination of harvie krumpet and the director's other, shorter films that made me cry. anyway.

listening to godspeed you black emperor at the moment.

life is not too good at the moment. frustration, uncertainty etcetera. i've been dreaming quite a bit too, then forgetting what my dreams were about. so disorientating.
time for lashings of random quotes:

"I can not abide people who are rude to wait staff. I shall arrest them."

"Contrary to what you may have already heard about cocaine, the high is a very subtle, mood elevating, clarifying, euphoric and an increased talkativeness type of drug."

"Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching on pills and listening to repetitive music... Just a thought."

fuck i'm lazy. i highly reccomend this link: http://www.neuron.net/~navi/entheo/entheo.html

but also, (and maybe more entertaining):
http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=40305

the other night i experienced an uncategorisable emotion.

restaurants are a mind-alterer. ice-skating is a mind alterer. it's just about where you decide to draw the line.

ignorance is futile. you will be assimilated.
sinking.

looking forward to my magic the gathering pre-release this saturday morning, and also to spinning my bed.

2005-08-10T02:06:00.000+10:00

as i was on the tram today i got rather angry. this was because everyone was sitting there absorbed in their own selfish little fucking world and messaging on their phone or staring into space. stuck in their own head, not talking, not interacting. now wonder fucking capitalism is so rife within our society. no wonder people are shy and go all fucking weird (or decide to be shit and talk to the person they DO know) when someone goes - talk to the person next to you that you don't know and tell each other bleh bleh about each other. what an epiphany. from this i have decided resolutely that i shall communicate properly with at least one person on every tram or train ride before 12:01am.

seems to me that:

--school fucks you up good time. makes you stop growing and developing yourself. stops you from thinking straight. makes you 'CONFORM BITCHES', and sometimes makes people fall into a gluttonous, consumerist, capitalistic, depressive haze. not to name names. makes you fall into a trap of thinking in a certain way. over the past 80something% of my life. understandably i have fallen into a certain pattern of interaction and mood that i associate with schoool. it's quite simple really, it's called classical conditioning: "a type of learning found in animals, caused by the association (or pairing) of two stimuli. The simplest form of classical conditioning is reminiscent of what Aristotle would have called the law of contiguity. Esentially Aristotle said, "When two things commonly occur together, the appearance of one will bring the other to mind" - from wikipedia. ANYHOO then u need cool stuff like a movie to snap you the fuck out of it and get you thinking again. thank god for wednesdays, prinny hill has the right idea for sure.

--seems to me that the world would be an amazing place a lot of the time if people suspended their judgement of each other and realised that everyone is largely a product of their own experience.

--the country is so amazingly different from the city. you can actually think clearly in the country.

--oyster farmer is definitely worth watching. get into it. best australian film i've ever seen. (rabbit proof fence coming second.)

--travelling is the best thing i could possibly do at the end of this year... except for 'going underground' *snigger snigger*...
AHAHAAHAHAHA i must laugh. but it's all in good fun, readers.

nite. love you all

2005-07-20T22:59:00.000+10:00

wow
randomnesss
spontaneity

spontaneity is the best thing ever it's a cause of many happy times and enduring friendships.

first thing - decided to go and see 2046

at 9:20
then i was like HEY
why don't i call alex to come
and it was thanks to robbie's spontaneity that he came go robbie.

anyway
up on the roof (top of nova) amazing panorama. perfectly geometric constellations of tiny orange and white streetlights. ominous flats look like they're hanging from the sky, washed in pale orange light, dark at the bottom.
jack wants to join jack's hungry
he goes up emergency staircases like me and my allies.
they both went on exchange together to germany. the roof is amazing. i feel in my element. i say what i mean, i mean what i say, i am what i say, and i say interesting stuff about travel, ALS, the night sky, etc. charismatic. she shouts into the void 'OH MY GOD LIFE IS AMAZING!!!'

we drink beer at percy's. a divorced couple abuse each other at opposite sides of the bar (each sitting with their new respective partner) while 'going to the chapel and we're gonna get married' plays melodically in the background. their bickering has a sort of playfulness to it though. then i realise that these people (the 7 who would have been excluded from the orgy- me,rob,jack,girl,hotbargirl) are heading nowhere. even the kind 50 year old one with the unplaceable foreign accent whose shop consisted of a bagful of lollies, mainly lollypops, and a few slices of ham. the girl with the red hat asked 'do you always suck on lollipops in bars?'.. they're in a fucking rut. they're not happy, and that one there looks like she was or is a prostitute/junkie. there is a disturbingly absent look in her eyes, that you only ever see in a woman's eyes. in twenty years they will be dead and have accomplished nothing.

THE housing commission flats
fucking.. weird like the whole place was going to collapse/
fucking about to keel over from coldness and sleep deprivation.
junkie in the lift - so absurd now i think about it. absurd and disturbing. i'm on my way down from the top, at the bottom of the walls (below the windows) there is a small space where you can stick your foot or your hand through and feel the gelid night air. i'm IN a twenty storey building and i can feel the night air. there are cracks in the walls. the conrete floor has a slight bounce to it... like at trampoline. or maybe that' just the whole building. i'm going to the bottom, the lift (there is one banana peel on the floor) inexplicably stops at floor no. 8. enter strange junkie woman. 'we goen uhp?' (strong aus. accent). 'down' i answer. 'oh good, that gives me time to get ready.'. strange woman bends down and starts doing something in her bag. she is sort of in front of me and i can see her ass- an on the side sort of perspective - is big. *ding*. 'seeya', 'bye luv'.

brilliance is everywhere if you look hard enough... here's some:

"Existentialism, as far as I understand it, says that, where human existence is concerned, form comes before function. Which should give you freedom. If you are all form and no function then you should be able to choose for yourself what to do with your form. He was saying something like: a pair of scissors has been specifically designed to cut paper, and therefore a good pair of scissors cuts paper. But a human has not been designed for any specific purpose. So it’s impossible to say what a ‘good’ human should be doing." crybloxm

endfile... (my aim for tonight is to write two things, something for crybloxm on the topic of staying insulated up cold until late, and an email to an important person.)

the strangest day

2005-07-18T22:05:00.000+10:00

all those strange and wonderful things; thoughts, revelations, events, that i kept on putting off (telling people there were great things pending) have now officially exited my consciousness. tragedy.

to the topic of the strange day -> i walked out of my room earlier and i had no idea where, in time, i was. i went to school today, until about 12:00 too, but this fact felt so remote and distant i could hardly believe it to be true. I remembered as the day went on, i had little communication with friends, and my feeling of failure (not having completed vital homework during the day), my sense of duty and devotion to finishing a specific piece of work, and sense of impending doom all gradually faded into a semi- evangelion, semi- internet, semi-(but not much)pornographic consciousness. how comfortable. my words, sadly cannot describe the commingling of absurdity and surprise that i felt.

oh my jesus. murakami has been temporarily displaced. this is quite a serious dilemma actually, as that book was bringing me growth and satisfaction, along with happiness.

i am feeling a great attraction to *2046* and will most probably be seeing the 9.20 session of the film (if not 3.40) at cinema nova, lygon st. i love films. i love the darkness of the cinema, and the complex feelings that rush through me as i relate to the experiences i am seeing and take some part of what i am seeing with me. complexity.

i have decided. 'Cool mint' listerine is the most delicious thing on this planet. be warned though, it is made by paxil. i only found this out after securing my last stash, and will not be taking that shit again as it is immoral.

hmm.. waiting for an email can be sort of frustrating. exciting too though, as i anticipate an interesting reply.

this happened a few days ago->

i now completely know and completely understand
what having no seratonin means
its that euphoric feel as you are riding in the dark down the street on a bike (no drugs)
listening to music) with the wind rushing through your face no hands. that feeling as you raise your head high and roar into the sky in ecstasy u can't do that when you've got no seratonin.

no-one panic. it's temporary, i've already felt like i've got my seratonin back and i can feel euphoria again. geez.. chiilllout.

that's all for tonight-
go for it freg - send in that story to crybloxsome

assorted

2005-07-14T03:01:00.000+10:00

startfile...

"hey... who doesn't wish they were more witty sometimes?!" this post will be a combination of excerpts from about 6 different documents that have come into existence since my last serious post. if this didn't happen. there would be so much, and it would be so long fucking winded you guys wouldn't be fucked reading it.

got freg's story read to me. really really enjoyed it. very evocative. hey WAIT! NAh man it was fully shit. (someone needs a reverse ego boost).

you should know about these sites:
www.erowid.org (the experiences vault is extremely good)
www.viceland.com (hardcore irony.. or maybe just hardcore)
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/ (secrets sent in by anonymous people on aesthetically pleasing postcards)
www.crybloxsome.com (amazing literature written by amazing people)

wow i had a fucking insane holidays in my lost email i talked about the crazy rave i went to last friday night and how there was a guy there who was a mirror image of myself how i ate the lazer lights and how they tasted good. i was also going to tell you about how when i looked at my phone and whenever i pressed a button this huge bass beat went off in my head BOOM.

my mind felt half-paralysed yesterday, twas not a good feeling i tell you like a sort of stoic paralysis, like clenching one's teeth and staring into a bright computer screen surrounded by darkness that should feel warm but it's cold.

that reminds me off the loneliness i've been feeling recently
after the rave, the night after, actually, i was in my temporary
room at my grandparent's house and then an event happened. or maybe it didn't anyway suddenly (or at least that's how it is in my memory) i looked at my phone, scrolling through all the numbers i had, and felt an overpowering sense of loneliness and horror at the fact that i did not want to call any single person on that list and that none of them would have made me feel any better. this feeling combined with the song Heroin - The Velvet Underground caused me a fair amount of anguish. This anguish was not sharp though, but instead very mellow still being very overpowering. i crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling after making myself a playlist called 'goodnight sleepy head' which consisted of:

1. The Push (Far From Here) (The Electric Bath Treatment) - Paul Jackson & Steve Smith
2. Where do I begin - The chemical brothers
3. Four Hours in Washington - M.Ward
4. Heroin - The Velvet Underground
5. Space Oddity - David Bowie
6. Track 6 (maybe called I need your love so bad) unknown artist
7. Johnny You're Too Bad - Taj Mahal (one of my favourite songs EVER)
8. Walk on the Wild Side - Velvet Underground
9. Breathe Me (Fourtet Remix) - Sia (v. gooD)
10. Come to Nothing (Car Stereo wars)

so after slinking in to my bed and sitting there for a bit. i realised that i was the loneliest person on the earth. not a good feeling. i fell asleep to 'goodnight sleepy head'... when i woke up, it was 16 hours later. i felt almost the most happy i have in my life. i was at peace with evertything and i felt warm and fizzy. so happy.

met some cool people at the rave, some who i will see next time and get to know even more- some who's phone numbers i got off em. such a happy vibe. as they say 'don't diss it until you try it' . couldn't be more true.

i love the idea of doing random things and also rising up from the constrained society around us.
a few friends and i a few months ago went into a hotel just to explore and to get up onto the roof. we ended up getting into

the staff lifts and the doors opened and there was a girl mopping the floor "what the fuck are you doing here?!" she said, while laughing her head off estatically. then we quickly pressed the --->> <<--- button and went to floor 7 where we found bath robes. which we took and wore. even though it was my idea to take them my bastard friends wouldn't trade me my shit scratchy one for one of their warm ones.

that's it for now.

exciting things are pending.
like my drunk writings.
but i will leave you with this i asked every person i could if they'd ever heard of something like what i experienced. they said no.

in the first ten minutes of me starting to feel the effects of e (about 45 minutes after dropping is when the effects started) all "s" "sh" and "Zz" sounds sound completely electronic or synthesised. i tell you all it's a fucking cool thing. nite.

-3.07 am got to get up at 7:40 tomorrow to get to school.

ecstasy brings back memories that you thought you had forgotten forever. also suppressed memories. one *unbiased* says that one night of on ecstasy is equivalent to 3 months therapy as with all the barriers being broken down, much progress occurs.
endfile...

2005-07-12T23:38:00.000+10:00

keep LEFT hahah GET IT?!

2005-07-12T23:36:00.001+10:00

yes, the reports have been confirmed, these are aliens from outer space.

2005-07-12T23:36:00.000+10:00

FRWOARGH

2005-07-12T23:35:00.001+10:00

i + drunk = kungfu master

2005-07-12T23:35:00.000+10:00

woot cool grass

2005-07-12T23:34:00.000+10:00

2005-07-12T23:33:00.001+10:00

slow process

2005-07-12T23:33:00.000+10:00

done

2005-07-12T23:29:00.000+10:00

what can i say... photo post

2005-07-04T23:59:00.000+10:00

could you find me would you kiss my eyes?

these are lyrics from van morrison - astral weeks.

i had a huge ride.. all the way from nova to max's place keeping pace with the tram.

such fucking immensity of broken threads/lines.

i am in here because i want to be by myself.
not to seek attention.
that's all.

hey john! if you read this i've been thinking of ytou and i want to come and stay at your house maybe tomorrow night. hope that's cool.
maybe you could even come and stay at my grandparent's house! that would be wicked. ...

'i'm going to be doing a whole lot of homework over the next week.'

'yeah me too...'

'yeah... i'm sure you will'

srcsm

the computer just showed me a full moon.

2005-06-21T04:46:00.000+10:00

new mungie thing

bright eyes is hot

ahhhhhh holy fuck i remember something which mum said the other night. when i was drunk too i think i hate the way she always fucking loves to attack me when i'm in an altered state of consciousness, when she thinks i'm weak, sleep deprived etc.

fucking told me that i owe shit to my dad to fucking fuck what the fuck... cos he never got a chance to.

what the fuck does she know.

what kind of fucking.

anyway...

go to that site that max or alex showed and was funny...

anyway... that was last night's post... this is last night.
tonight for some good and rational reason my mother decided NOT to disconnect the internet. which makes sense so i guess i shouldn't be so impressed. but yeh, change is good anyway.

i had the biggest wave of dejavu just before. i was talking to laura on the phone about a whole lot of stuff, and that postsecret site, and.. anyway stuff ain't too deep tonight...

ahhh fuck it... for once i'm not going to blog enough... stuff will sort itself out later yay. at least i posted a picture.

goodnight, and yes there was much more to write

2005-06-19T21:32:00.000+10:00

hmmm... tender lips...

well that's enough on that topic eh folks???

i found this quote on MisFits' blog: this is a young liberal talking shit but it's quite awesome in some way:

'The two greatest forces for good in human history are capitalism and Christianity, and when they're blended it's a very powerful duo.'

well these last 2 days have been a bit strange. feel like i'm not in control of my body. hmmm... sounds like the same old shit but seems different. i'm not articulate enough to describe it properly except for - disconnected. felt like i was on drugs at the zoo yesterday with giulia and mum.

has anyone else come to the conclusion that Muse is just a poor Radiohead imitation.? it seems much like that to me listening to 'time is running out'. AHHHH listening to popular italian music (some western music but fucking mainstream as.)

there's 2 lights on in my room... i hate 2 lights on in my room so ugly.

i was dying in the rain last night. so fucking cold on my sleeping bag with rain dripping on my face. i'm getting back into music from italy. some of the techno's quite hot believe it or not.

well this is where i got upto until my stupid CUNT MUM fucking disconnected my internet AGAIN
update soon

2005-06-15T00:27:00.000+10:00

can i really avoid that what is happening now will set a precedent
for what is going to happen after now?
future

the memory that i thought i might have created is the one
in which i was doing a thing similar to making the bed go up and down
when i breathe or spin around in a happy colour world (one colour only).

but this time i was streaming through just different stuff some strange lighted temple passageway.

the humans in this world are amazing

the human mass is on a scale so gigantic its mindblowing
it's insanely difficult to tap into and to make oneself seen within the glowing, nebulous structure.

i had a bath today. then a shower straight afterwards. One of the best things about ecstasy is the distinct change in experience. The worst thing is obviously the 'depression' i am suffering at the moment which is without a doubt real. Once source states that 'it takes 2 weeks for the effects of one pill to completely wear off' and i must say i wouldn't be surprised. The other important effect is the way it has made me remember things out of the blue. For example when having the shower at alex's place i remembered an amazing house that i was in in italy. It was sort of old, rather disorganised, quite dark and a bit dank, moodily lit, and with really awesome old-looking white and black tiles. i had a shower there and the whole place smelled of character. europe is amazing because it is so fucking different to everywhere else. sort of despairing a bit but it's all right. edith made the point that there is no point to taking drugs because one forgets almost everything. (which was actually my point; that one forgets everything), but i have changed my mind and have decided that one does remember quite a bit, and also that it still has its effect on your experience if you don't even remember it.

i hope Teagan has been found. she went missing and no-one could find her for ages

i feel like my mum wrecks my life sometimes, but at other times i totally empathise with her and get what's going on. last night i told her 'i wish you could just be more chilled out like me', she said 'i wish so too'. tripping out a bit at my grandparents place with a bit of dangly food hanging out of my mouth + something happening similar to the feeling of my eyes rolling back into my skull.

sort of deppressing to think that not lots of people are reading this i feel its stuff that is interesting to read.

tonight i was going to break into a golf club:

finances (cash register)
transport (golf buggies OMG)
intoxication (alcohol fridge)
and something else too (ALEX DON'T BE SHY HERE)
ah yes i already remembered
weaponry (golf clubs) would have been insane but has been postponed

i think my mum was listening in to my phone conversation last night (there's an example of her semi-ruining my life)

if i didn't already mention i am still feeling the effects of the ecstasy. weird shit, even typing is weird.

mung mung

2005-06-14T15:00:00.000+10:00

No way. Sounds awesome. Gone to my grans cos i don't know which parts of my memories are reality and which are invented. In a dark car in a freeway.

i was telling my grandparents that i got offered ketamine (horse tranquiliser) at slinky. my grandma, which was pretty weird, asked how much they guy wanted to sell it for.

nobody knows i was on drugs except my friends.

undercover cops. amazing women. dealers.

i saw an amazing crazy goth video and on E it was totally fucking insane.

nothing mattered. coming down hard back to reality is really harsh

the next saturday

2005-06-12T11:39:00.000+10:00

startfile... excerpt from diary

fucking fucking jesus fucking cunt christ hell fuck.

i hate it so much when people come in to my room and
after i've woken up + just ruin everything

(1) 1st part of the dream: 2 identical rooms side by side completely dark in one room there is a very evil person

some sort of article about a disaster in space, some weird space base a tragedy has occured

concrete despair and pink blue skies.

2 girls one mother one daughter walk out of the huge thing into space and they die, because of despair. the rest of the huge station was empty.

(1) continued from para 1: veiled and sheithed in black she sits meditatively in the small rectangular room around them a fairly ordered room there are chairs made of mahogany or that dark japanese cherry woood, there is no light and an ominous feel to the room.

theis scene is somehow connected to the earlier space scenes but i don't know how. The evil one is sitting there listening to the good one (who has significantly more white on her) she's doing more than listening though, she's performing some sort of dark ritual to possess the other one, but it seems like she's listening

after that the dark one's essence goes up to the wall separating the two rooms and passes through the window. her essence is smoke like and whooshy. into the other room. in a very roundabout weird way i am seeing things from the white one's perspective (not white but she has a white cloth around her head or something) and somehow the good one is thwarting the dark one's attempt. like counters it or something and the essence is beaten or warded off or something. anyway it disperses and sort of shies away. next- the bright one somehow has the essence of the dark one in a dark vase containing very white milk. and is heating the milk up very hot to destroy the essence.

both very meditative, purely rectangular rooms, both female.

next - in the bush sort of place for some sort of camp. there are people with some sort of problem, i see them all lined up for a race or something, but they're lined up as if they're about to do a running sprint. and they fall of their bikes and stuff cos there's something wrong with them

something happens (maybe i'm checking in to the camp or something) but i can't remember then i'm in this cabin a fair way away from the main street where the race is being held. i'm in there doing something that i shouldn't... all the racers are going really fast and molly is like being really scared and dodging between them outside of the dark caravan cabin (dark inside at least)

no it's nothing sexual

anyway got to go will continue later love to my friends

what is and where i end and you begin

2005-06-11T10:52:00.000+10:00

startfile...

this delirium is... tasty

i've been feeling far too solid for quite a while now

now i'm feeling warm and as if i should be comfortable up against hard, thick, lightly coloured wood.

on sydney road today i saw a man who looked like a pirate. He was very tall (so much that sim thought he might have platforms on), had realy cool hair (all dredded and pirate like) and was wearing some kind of piratish hat on his head. He was dressed all in black with some kind of large black pants on.
the funny thing was his voice
it was in such contrast to his appearance: brutish and pirate-like to high pitched and camp voice.

i liked the feel in the air today it's warm but light at the same time. like.... not humid but warm, and sort of refreshing as well. on the tram i felt groggy and completely out of touch with my surroundings. light headed etc. but it was a refreshing feeling.

again on sydney road, after having bought wazza's hookah, i looked at a building across the street; what a sight, the sign on the building was lit brightly from the sun on to it creating a sharp straight line of darkness where the buildings over the other side ofthe street cast their shadow upon it. the sign was shiny, but in the background was a rich (i was going to say watercolour painting) but i will say 'gradient' instead, going from dark grey to darkish, intense blue, to a pale, breathtaking, sort of shocking pale blue. interposing the gradient rich sky was a rainbow, emerging slowly through the drizzling grey rainy warm atmosphere.
i could taste moisture in the air
in front of the sign, and the building was a street light. one moment i looked at it, it was on, the next, off...

these colours combined to further deepen my awe at the myriad of astoundingly vivid colours surrounding my insignificant organism. on this wonderful, drizzly, warm, fresh day.

below are some points i forgot to mention when i originally wrote this entry:

i felt fresh and new, as if, as has happened before, i was seeing everything from a fresh, childlike perspective.
it was as if my sensory cynicism had dissapeared. (i have a sort of theory that as we grow older, our senses become accustomed to the world around us and the things we see (as the sights we see each day are often SO similar, not just sights mind you) and so become 'cynical'.
it felt like there was more i should have said in this section but i can't really think of anything except- don't disregard the bit about the tasty delirium and the fact that i've been feeling to solid recently as fluffy poetry; it's not.

2005-06-08T20:18:00.000+10:00

well here is the promised picture of very weird alien looking hot girls that also look very prim and proper... errr.. anyeyway

wow... i just found in my diary that on the 3rd of this month i had a very strange dream about going to a nazi camp to assassinate hitler, then running away downa familiar street, then i was at a party and some weird shit was going down, which i chooose to not reveal.. LOL

so amazing that you can completely forget something like a dream and it can seem so unfamiliar that it's like it could have never been in your consciousness... crazy

...
promised transcript:

startfile

what date is it?

it doesn't even mattah

it's 5:00am and i just had one of the most amazing nights of my life (note crazy really curvy energetic writing).

ECSTACEE - picture of a small pill with a demented mitsubishi symbol on it (since i can't draw) caption - 'mitsubishi'

oh my god it was totally amazing

so now i'm sitting in bed an' i'm like: wtf mate.
cos there was this nice guy from up the road and he walked up to me + wanting to have sex with me - seemed nice anyway tho i wasn't interested in sex.

then i'm even more like WTF maite i because as i rode home on my bike feeling slightly lonely i realised 'i have NO REAL FRIENDS' -> note - no matter what thought processes occur after this - This is a TRUE EPHIPHANY in some way.

sahara nights.
hmmm... everybody smoking hookahs

then the MOST wtf thing is this weird squeaky rubber sound like the sound of a sneaker on a football court is in the hallway squeaking every so often.

it's like at the same interval every time and it can't be some kind of living thing - sounds too inorganic. so yeah that's fucking weird because my mind simply cannot and will not fathom.

touching myself grabbing on tight and thighs and arms feels really good.

hissing tssszzzhhh electronic sound.

damn didn't get with noone (names not found)

completely fucking amazing feeling dancing

everything foreign and new and fresh from a different perspective

lights are all blurry instead of normal as if slightly squinting though i wasn't...

amazing feeling just touching people.
throwing bike - amazing strengty to pick it up and shoot it away - SO STRONG.

so energetic running to drink tap + back.

i am coming down quite hardcore.

it was totally like my first time but just big huge effect.

random guy gives us half a tablet each (beh not random)

his name is sam and he loves india in the patns..

almost making tessa cry because i asked her so many times to stay

whoa INSANe

2005-06-08T02:53:00.000+10:00

startfile...

geez...
haven't blogged in ages.

don't have time to do so now either... sorry people.
expect updates soon...
things to come:

talk about interesting developments with interesting people

transcript from saturday night... wow.

endfile...

good pic to come too of hot random blog people

2005-06-01T17:58:00.000+10:00

trent reznor - live in concert (NIN)

well it seems this is what i'll be missing out on... boo- hoo.

i am so sick of fluorescent lights. i feel as if they are eating my soul.. and they make my page look as if it's some sort of crazy luminescent colour that it's actually not.

feeling significantly less like 'some kind of crazy punk' today.

back to- being lazy (or maybe not for those of you who have read the most awesome article on education in Thursday's Age) DUDE! what a beautiful intellect.

i don't know what's going to happen from here...

there's a strange girl at my class at the cae and she just sits there and doesn't talk. and is unreceptive. she's very well dressed, and quite attractive.

frustrated..... where's things going?

hmmmmm.... "i'm confused too kid. nerds and pot are a dangerous combination".

endfile...

2005-05-30T14:57:00.000+10:00

"Dear old people, are you hearing this? If you want to save money on gas, stop driving. What the fuck are you doing living in LA anyway? And if you want cheap furniture, go to a garage sale. Everything about you looks like shit, so stop watching home makeover shows. If you want to see real design, check out the makeshift knife in your son's pants. Or the roach traps poor people make. Shit, just take a look at our living room. It's a thousand times nicer than yours, and we're broke."

can't get enough.

last night i threw bottles down dark alleyways, smoked hookahs with strawberry tobacco, drank about 3 longnecks, had sex, and kissed a man.

i feel like some sort of psycho punk

the other night i dreamed Kat had a penis, a big one too... with the head longer than the shaft.

when i die i want to have a funeral party and heaps of fuckloads of womens and gents will be invited to the party, and it can be in a graveryard and everyone can get completely fucked off their heads... but then after they slowly drift out of their hang-overish sleepiness in the morning they will feel insanely sad, (partly cos they're hung over) and start crying and realise that i'm dead.

i love max, he looks cool smoking a hookah.
who's sincere?

the purpose of the design of our organisms (and our sensory organs) is to block out as much of the universe as is nescessary for us to be able to concentrate on our earthly, survivalist tasks down here.

i remember a really shit party where reggae was playing and i sold some italian guys a gram of weed for 5 bucks less than what i bought it for. the italian guys were asking a girl in the toilets (in italian so she couldn't understand) if they could watch her urinate. some fuck asked me if i had speed and he had dry hands and a grating bogarn accent.

i hate my house and i love lockpicking... even though other people de-merit it with their wangness.

endfile...

2005-05-26T11:45:00.000+10:00

well so much for negativity...

i haven't felt so alive and in touch with what's going on around me for a very long time.

truly amazing.

so much for making a fool of myself. i did no such thing. she accepted and understood better than i ever could have hoped.
we talked of varied and engaging topics...

I felt/feel like, rather than my sole existence being with school and with people at school, that i was something else, something separate, something unique, and i felt/feel as though i was growing.

no expectations... no judgements. just a whole lot of honesty, and really good communication. i wasn't trying to be anything, except myself.

everything seems/d really really fresh... rather than being smothered by the dazed feeling of my own insular world - i was/am taking in and giving out.

we talked about grandfather jack, about the remote possibility of me dropping out of school, and of how crap monday and tuesday was. so much honesty. we talked about how we both felt about lots of things, including what had happened, and i felt i could, and in fact did, tell her everything. we talked about me going off to the bush... being completely self sufficient, and her going off to a buddhist monastery in france.
awesome

endfile

that's it!

nikeassholescaeshitnightfootageandreawhatdecrepit

2005-05-26T06:15:00.000+10:00

decrepit...

such an awesome painting...

listening to jack johnson - in between dreams.
i like that title a lot. sad music
jack johnson talks a lot about dreams.
at the moment i don't feel like i'm in between
dreams though it would be cool if i did...
better, anyway...

last night didn't didn't talk to Shoshanna or
Claire, cos claire wasn't at CAE, and shoshanna
just walked past.

last night i had a strange dream. i was in mexico.
i asked people in italian 'where is mexico' then,
supposedly, ( i found this out after reading my
dream entry in my diary), i punched some dude in
the face.we were going somewhere, and for a
reason, me and my 2 companions (male + my age)...

in 1 hour i will be meeting with Andrea again.
i have decided to assert myself and tell her that
it feels wrong to have a sexual relationship
without having any feelings for a person. i'm
not ready for it and i just don't think it's
good for me at the moment. i'm going to tell
her that i enjoyed that night, but afterwards
i started feeling really strange about it.

it's going to be fucking hard to do.. and i'll
feel like a nervous wreck, probably, but i
have to do it. And once again i'll make myself
look like i've got no balls. gotta clear my
conscience, mind, and stop being an asshole
to her. hope she doesn't work around it somehow?

honesty.
things are not the same as they used to be.
this wouldn't be a problem if things were just
different. -> but they're not.

reading aldous huxley's 'The Doors of Perception'.

"we live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude.
Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies - all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never experience themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.

deep.

went up onto the roof with lawrence. the plan is now in action. watchout you polluters of the mind.

endfile.

non-ecstasy post ecstasy symptoms

2005-05-23T18:50:00.000+10:00

there's nothing in this house that belongs to me.

i'm not really here.

the mundanity reeks of hate.

these scissors are getting blunt...
the scissors are getting rusty...

monotony is raping my mind... emptying it of everything...

what the fuck is going on...

how can it be my fault?

who am i? where am i?

who are these people surrounding me?
why has everything changed so much...
is it because things have changed too little?
where has ME gone?
i'm running automatic...

hold on... where the fuck am i heading and with what behind me?

no religion, no opinion, no interest, no knowledge, no feeling

no dreams recently...
none of note nor none recorded...

grandfather jack has gone back overseas for another
6 months. fuck.don't know why it's suddenly such a
big thing when over the lastfew years i've probably
seen him on average about every 6 months.i think
what changed was that i escaped from mum's feelings
about the issue, and made a strong connection with
him away from thatand realised what a dude he was.
plus being 'grown up' now meansit's easy to say.
i want to see you. rather than him not knowing
wtf is going on. 6 months... he's like 80....

salvador dali is scaring the shit out of me. just
d/l'd one thousand paintings of his, spanning his
whole career. pretty amazing stuff.

2005-05-23T11:49:00.000+10:00

this is someone dropping something... i am glad it was done. it felt 'happy', very very calm, and like there was some sort of psychological mechanism that i was freed from. a background some kind of cancelling process. feeling quite fuckd today though, but don't seem to have come down too hard... music sounded good - that's true.

is social interaction an end in itself or a means to an end?
^
|
excuse the cliche

friday night @ the lounge in the city... goood fun. the smoke from the machine became so overwhelming at times that you couldn't see the person dancing next to you. pumping house, port, extremely attractive women. cool people dancing with everybody nice feeling, free beer from barman. gothic looking cloakroom girl, who eric had a bit of a thing for.

can't think properly. have to do things namely h/w (i'm so fucking sick of that word) . goodnite.

2005-05-15T20:48:00.000+10:00

me. webcamming with max/talking with jw

startfile...

day, wasted... birthday party for 5 year old cousin... then fucking around not doing any goddamn work... vice magazine rocks my pants..
things are medium

endfile

2005-05-15T20:38:00.000+10:00

Christine: "I just walk straight up to them and say, 'I'm attracted to you, why don't we go for some rough and tumble?' I'm a grandmother now. I've lived in the desert for the last 14 years.

now... isn't that beautiful??? the question was, by the way "how do you pick up guys?"

listening to "i'm still free' tomcat

2005-05-11T05:24:00.000+10:00

startfile...

'you said this' 'you said that'

rather than assuming what one means, wouldn't it be nice to ask one what they meant, how they feel, rather than assuming?

listening to: oh jim- lou reed

2am diary

2005-05-07T13:47:00.000+10:00

pending... transcribed (and slightly modified) from diary
date in diary - 06/05/05

startfile
well i just managed to turn a really awesome night into a somewhat depressing one.

watched the second episode of Flcl. cameron gave me a lift while we listened to the new right where it belongs by nin.
totally awesome...
to robbie's and he told me about the underground bluestone soak bar - where i will be going with pplz next weekend (alex + robbie at tha least)

there i was greeted by the man himself (at robbie's house) who was more than happy to show me the three grams of maria that he bought from wazza. At his house things were rather absurd - robbie had a hole in his shower wall, a syringe on the basin, and his mum didn't like say hi... wtf?

->i've lost track of time!! when was it thati was riding back from school with teishan?... ahhh.. it was today.

reached 9654 mb on my downloads

then robbie and i and robbie's dad and robbie's sister and mum made our way to bennet's to see franseco Cohiso, but then his dad wouldn't let us stay afterwards and talked to him... didn't really want to stay by myself. max called
saw maeve working in some crepe' place,

frangelico: excellent jazz. the drummer was awesome even though he was a scary motherfucker. francesco did sweet solos. the bartender was this really nice girl with the most amazing voice- robbie thinks so too... drank a crazy south african drink with guarana and coco-leaf extract witha b it of kahlua.. hot stuff. no wonder i'm so energetic now...

on the way to the bar people asking directions - girl stole my sunglasses, put them on and said they were cool. everybody fucking loves my sunglasses!!!

Then, another crazy girl comes up and starts singing some song about wearing sunglasses at night + strokes my face nearly knocking them off... (insane) i was caught off guard...

the whole night robbie's dad was a bit of an a-hole. treats robbie like he's 10... though he did buy me a drink

had a sublime affogato with butterscotch shnapps (pure genius on the part of sexy-voiced bargirl)...

-> i love pissing on the tree outside the front of my house at like 2am when it's dark and there's no one around.

i could have been a bit more outgoing tonight - especially with the bargirl- should have told her that she has the voice of an auctioneer... (awesome became auction and people who are fully % auction are auctioneers)...

robbie has exposed me to the wonders of jazz... hot stuff

caught a taxi... wacky taxi driver. sorta repeated stuff and questions.. pointed out that the substance on his dashboard was in fact weed... how interesting... he offered it to me. i said i didn't smoke- but he ended up giving to me anyway... so now i can sell it... yay. it was a gram

got home and hid it in the best place ever-- INSIDE MY COMPUTER - on my cpu so it slowly smoulders and then i get stoned very gradually... just joking.. in a little box with books in it- very well hidden.. cbf explaining...

-> oh yeah - back to why the night turned depressing...
i made the mistake? of pulling out the book my glenny friends made for me before i left for italy. and reading it - all the nice things they said and stuff - DON't FORGET US etc. we love u.. blah blah . - made me realise that i have been a failure on yet another front.

i think its fucking amazing how fast a situation or feeling can change. earlier today i was feeling like a social fuckwit and demented. i was feeling jealous of freg too with leyla.
heheh this should be interesting...
then after dinner + with cameron in car, everything turned totally huge funness + happy.

then, again, things collapsed into shiteness after reading the book...

then back to happiness i swung realising that it wasn't solely my fault that i had lost contact with some people- quite a few (joyce included) didn't turn up to the pancake parlour thing... and haven't called me - so there you go. btw not saying i have no fault in the matter.
and i also realised that i have got a free gram o' weed, and that i'd had a thoroughly interesting night. so all was good...

should:
sort shit out with andrea
not tell freg i'm jealous (useless addition to his problems)

catch up with the jing
call omar + warren (zarthustra too)

nite...
endfile

postfile
got a message from urban...
remember sitting in the bar just thinking of the infiniteness of amazing experiences one could have. i wasn't like held down by anything- just enjoying the experience- could it go on like that forever? or do we need a contrast to truly enjoy things.

2005-05-04T03:40:00.000+10:00

blog setup commencing...
blog setup complete...

welcome to pastfile...

here commences my blog.
for those bored persons who wish to delve into my dark and exciting past, visit www.sinfulplacebo.blogspot.com... i have accepted my past. and i hope you can too.

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